The Annoyance — and Importance — of Relearning Lessons

And why applying things we know to new situations is so hard!

NOT New Mexico! Sunset on the Oregon coast circa 2022.

I took last week off! I had too much quality time with my family and too much solo driving (20 hours from NM back to Bend!) to be able to write in a way this newsletter deserves. But I’m back! Still tired and a bit sad to be back at my day job, but back nonetheless! While I know it already, I seem to always forget how stupid the real world seems after being on vacation. It’s a harsh lesson to relearn!

And speaking of relearning things…

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The older I get, the more I realize I’m not as smart as I thought. 

This isn’t to say that I feel stupid or am made to seem dumb. But as I learn more about people, myself, and the world, the more I find what I don’t know or the things I thought I knew and was wrong about or that there are other truths and knowledge just as valid as any of mine. 

At this point in my life, I have an open-enough mind to accept things I don’t know. I’m willing to learn and challenge my beliefs and sit in a place of not understanding for uncomfortable amounts of time. 

But there’s something I still beat myself up about for not knowing like I think I should: applying acquired knowledge or skills to situations different from the ones in which I originally learned. 

This, probably, is the main theme in my therapy sessions right now. I’m anxious about things or have an issue I’m struggling to deal with and after talking it out I relearn how to trust myself or talk to my unconscious mind or reframe the meaning I’ve given something. In other words, I relearn lessons almost weekly.

I know better than to beat myself up about anything. I know that I deserve forgiveness and grace and the leeway to make mistakes as my humanity requires me to do. Sometimes I’m good at this. Other times I’m not. 

When I need to relearn lessons, I struggle to be forgiving. I’m ever thankful to my therapist for leading me back to the same lessons, but before I can make things happen I always beat myself up a bit for not seeing how I could’ve saved myself the trouble of struggling to get there. Of course, this just prolongs my struggle and keeps me in a bad mental state. 

This is an understandable situation to be in. Asking my brain to apply everything I know to every situation and accurately assess it and act based on it is an impossible task. Yet I keep getting upset when I find out that I haven’t done that. 

It’s a terrible cycle that’s easy to become stuck in, because once I cool off and have a level head again, I realize that I didn’t give myself the grace to make mistakes and be human, for which I then promptly beat myself up. Eventually, I figure it out and am able to move along with what I’m doing. 

It’s a loop that I’ve long been comfortable spinning within. And, as is relatively well-known, breaking old habits is difficult! While this habit seems particularly hard to break, I’m starting to understand one of the core reasons why I struggle with it. 

Being upset about not being able to do or see something that I now know I could’ve done or seen is a logical reaction! 

As I’ve mentioned in this newsletter before, my brain loves it some logic. In this case, my brain considers it logical to be able to apply experience and knowledge to new, but similar, situations. A wonderful example: I should be able to operate my vehicle even in places I’ve never been before. I haven’t forgotten how to drive, I just need a map to get around easily. 

So, when I’m led back to a lesson I’ve learned or knowledge I’ve had for some time in order to help myself now, my brain thinks it’s forgotten how to drive. And as a 30-something without extra early onset dementia or memory problems, it’s distressing and embarrassing to forget something that my brain tells me should be second nature. 

What does the expectation that I should be able to apply these lessons really do? It sets me up for failure and disappointment and further struggle with an almost 100% success rate. 

What I’m beginning to understand, to go back to the driving metaphor, is that I’m not forgetting how to drive when I encounter new scenarios. What I don’t have is the map to navigate it yet. I’m driving just fine, but getting nowhere I want to go. With my therapist as the main guide, relearning and reapplying my skills and knowledge to these new things is how I gain the map to navigate. 

The absolute silliness (or really self-seriousness) needed to be upset about not knowing how to navigate a new place without any kind of help is considerable! Of course I can’t navigate easily! I haven’t been here before! Same with thinking I don’t know how to drive the car suddenly because I’m unfamiliar with the place. (Which makes me think of this skit from I Think You Should Leave.)

This is how I’m beginning to look at it. I know how to drive. Where I am doesn’t change that fact. My skill is retained. But I’m in an unknown place and need to explore a bit or buy a map in order to find my way. And so it also goes for working through my anxiety and problems. I have the knowledge and tools already. But I may need to talk it through with my therapist (buy the map) or explore it on my own to understand the layout.. 

Not that this is an easy mindset to find yet. I still beat myself up for all sorts of reasons that are so inconsequential that I forget the whole thing 30 minutes later. But I’m working on it and starting to associate negative self-talk and ‘shoulds’ with forgiveness and the silly idea of forgetting how to drive because I don’t know the roads. In turn, this has lessened the ‘shoulds’ and negative internal dialogue.

So I’ll continue on, treating myself kindly, with grace and forgiveness, more and more until it becomes second nature. ‡

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This week’s playlist is highlighting a few bands that found their way back into my rotation this past week.

The South Korean shoegaze musician Parannoul (파란노을) has been a fixture of my rotations since I discovered his 2023 album After the Magic, which was one of my favorites from last year. I’ve since dug in and explored their other releases, all of which I now love. Parannoul’s music is joyful, with fireworks and other joyful explosions being almost commonplace. With the lyrics in Korean, I let the music show me what each song is about, no translation needed.

Japanese band Toe fall more into math rock categories. Their 2012 album the book about my idle plot on a vague anxiety is a masterpiece that uses beautiful rhythms and melodies to create an intricate interplay that highlights each instrument all at once. Each listen is newly rewarding, as there’s always something new that stands out.

When I’ve been wanting slower moody music, Midwife has me covered! Some kind of mix between slowcore and shoegaze, Madeline Johnston describes her output as Midwife as “Heaven Metal.” She’s not only a great songwriter, but she’s creative in ways many aren’t. For example, in the song “2020” Johnston sings the hook to The Offspring’s “Gone Away” in a way that brings the emotion from the original (although that is one of The Offspring’s realer moments) into a more tender, heart-wrenching centerpiece.

Enjoy!